Reality hits in waves as I age.
At 20, my eyes were opened to all I could be and I embarked on realizing my greatest potential. This wasn't about vocation or notoriety. I simply wanted to fix my unhealthiness. To work through all of my issues and get my "healthy" stamp. I showed myself to be a hard worker emotionally and the future looked bright.
There were moments when I admitted the impossibility of my goal. I would never be perfect. But couldn't I be a really, really good version of myself?
But today, I'm aware again that I'm more than a tweak away from "dealing with my issues." Admitting this has seemed unspiritual to me. Isn't God able to redeem my unhealthy patterns of relating? Isnt that just a cop out? An excuse for bad behavior?
I don't think so. In fact, to deny this reality is to live inauthentically. Hopelessly dependent on my own strength or ability.
I've got intimacy issues. I often prefer to be alone. Yes. Some of it is introversion. But some of it is just plain fear and the result of past wounds.
And, my humanness.
I'm making progress, but in the end the chasm is too vast. Ultimately, there will be no closure on my self-improvement project and much of the good that comes from my life will be in spite of who I am, not because of who I am. That doesn't mean these imperfections and idiosyncrasies can be redeemed. It just means they don't result in my perfection, but in the perfection of God's purposes.
Kelli is a writer, speaker and consultant equipping leaders for a deepening intimacy with Christ, greater impact in ministry and more effective intentionality in all of life.
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