It has always fascinated me (read-- frustrated me) that Abraham was actually living in the Promise Land when God established his covenant with him.  Abraham was prosperous, righteous, chosen, obedient and willing.  And, BONUS--he already lived in the place God promised to give to him and his descendants.  It seems a lot of time, trauma and trekking could have been saved if God had simply established their residency early on. I'm just saying...

A little over five years ago I attended a silent retreat at a beautiful Mission on the west coast.  I remember it well because I was coming off a four year journey of deepening my relationship with God through the contemplative disciplines.  It had been a season of healing from addiction to busyness,  compulsive codependency and activity-based Christianity.  I longed to help other Christian leaders find the sanity and soul nourishment I experienced and I assumed God's next step for me would be into the field of spiritual direction or coaching Christian leaders.  I wanted to spend more time 'being'.  I was afraid of 'doing'.  It felt like death.  

So, of course, that's where God sent me.  Not because he's a masochist, but because he conquers death.  

As I sat on the cool grass in the center of the Mission courtyard I began a collage that I thought would depict 'being'.  Somehow I found myself gluing the word 'DO' to my paper.  Then...ACT.  In the midst of all my being words, God was clearly directing me to action of some kind.  But what?

I left the retreat confused.  I thought I'd misunderstood.  I pursued a job coaching leaders but  some wise people around me shared they felt it wasn't a good fit and that door slammed shut.  

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God waited a week, then showed me his plan as I drove to Home Depot.  I don't know why he chose Home Depot as my burning bush moment, but it has forever changed my experience of home improvement.  Anyway...as I drove to Home Depot, God suggested I call Apartment Life and see if they were still looking to fill the regional leadership position.  They were.  Through a serious of miscommunications with my husband I ended up putting my name in the hat and in January of 2009 I was fully immersed in a world of doing and performing and activity.  
The next three years I spent trying to integrate what I knew about formation into my life as a leader.  I felt propelled for a purpose--creative, energetic and resilient.   Then, just as quickly as the energy appeared, it was gone.  I knew it was time to move on.  

Then, two more years of wandering.  

And here I sit.  In the same place I thought I would be five years ago.  Pursuing a master's degree in spiritual formation.  More and more drawn to silence and solitude. Repentance and rest.  Waiting and watching.  Loving and listening.  

There are days I wonder if it wouldn't have been simpler if God had led me here in the first place.  I was already sitting on the edge of this new land.  Did we really have to walk away, only to return a few years later?  

Yes.  So clearly, YES.  I don't claim to understand all of what God was doing, but I honestly wouldn't have done it any other way.   And, although I'm sitting in the same place, I come as a different woman.  A woman with more depth, more pain, more healing, more dependency, less certainty, more beauty.  

Today I see how God took my desires from that day at the Mission and grew them.  How he lovingly held them with me, then took my hand and led me where I needed to go in order to fully enter into his plan.  I have a feeling there'll be more of this in the future.  Glimpses of the future, abrupt changes in direction, wandering and then...home.  

Until we're finally face to face.  

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As my first accomplishment in 2014, I completed a small home improvement project.  No applause necessary.  Really.  I painted my coffee table to match the rest of my room and the furniture.  That's right.  I've lived here two years and I finally got off my butt and took care of that little project.  

After spending four days in Arizona painting, cleaning and improving a house I'll never live in again, I decided to do something about the home in which I currently reside.  

And it was tough!  I first had to walk across the street to buy a can of paint (because I forgot I'd purchased the paint for this project two years ago).  It took a good ten minutes to complete the process.  And then there was the waiting for the paint to dry.  Insufferable.  But I made the best of it and used the time to get a pedicure.  

Now both my coffee table and toes are painted (different colors) and thus begins a new era in taking small steps toward improvement.  

I really can't help myself.  How can I not spend some time reflecting on what would keep me from doing such a simple task?  I saw this coffee table every day.  Every day I noticed how it didn't really match.  And, every day I chose to do nothing about it.  Eventually I stopped thinking about it.  I became numb to the discomfort of my avoidance.  But the longer I avoided, the larger the task seemed.  

And then I picked up a paint brush again and I remembered how easy it is and how much I love transforming something with a fresh coat of color.   How the color of a room or an object can impact our emotions and the 'feel' of a space.  And I remembered the joy of making something beautiful.    

As I begin this new year I think some more reflection is in order.  Are there areas in my life where I've grown numb to the nagging pain of avoidance?  Have I grown too comfortable with ugliness in my midst?  Is there more beauty to be experienced with a simple step of obedience?  Where could I be experiencing the joy of creativity and fresh color in my life?  

I'll have to sit with those for a bit, but first for something more practical. Time to dust the mounds of dust from my fan blades.  

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