Choices

I have always loved school.  

The day I graduated from college I wanted to go back.  Each morning on my way to work and each evening on my drive home I passed my Alma Mater and the pit in my stomach would often bubble up into tears.  Part of it was the mundaneness of my work and even the remote possibility that I might sit at that desk for the next 40 years.  Adulthood was not what I'd thought.  But mostly, I missed the classroom.  Learning new things every day.  Analyzing theories, discussing ideas and formulating opinions.  I loved it when my brain hurt and when a concept clicked and when I was able to articulate a point clearly.  

On the day of my graduation ceremony I requested the day off.  I was working as a trainer at Discover Card and in the middle of a new hire class.  Richard and I were newly married and he was unable to get the time off.  It didn't matter.  I donned my cap and gown and approached the arena with the sea of other graduates.  

It all seemed so anticlimactic.  A meaningless formality. 

 I was so alone and I couldn't hold back the tears of sadness and loss as I entered the building.   While I watched other graduates pack up their cars to head back to their new, post-college life and what I assumed was a bright shiny new job or the opportunity to continue with their education, I headed back to work.  The same job I had the day before.  One that didn't require a college degree or a love of ideas.  

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Its not that I had any idea of what I wanted to do or what I would get my Masters in if I could go back.  In one sense it wouldn't have mattered.  Had I known then what I know now I would have just picked one and started the process.  But I was still fairly fragile emotionally and wasn't able to identify what I wanted and even if I'd have known what I wanted I had not yet found my voice.  

Richard and I agreed that he would complete his Masters and then I'd pursue mine.  He knew what he wanted to do and he had a scholarship to move forward without any cost to us.  It was a logical decision and I fully supported this path.  The one downside was the length of the program.  It was a 96 hour Masters, involving four years of study.  But we were young and time seemed abundant.  

Richard is smart and hard working and he completed his M. Div. in the time he promised.  I'm the one who changed the program.  By the end of his studies I was desperate to start a family.  I knew that meant my Masters would have to wait.  I had poor problem solving skills, was a black and white thinker and was struggling with depression.   In my mind I only had a couple of options. 

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Looking back I think I could have made it work with just slightly more patience and emotional strength, but it was not to be.  Soon I was pregnant with Caleb and my direction was set.  

In one breath I will tell you I wish I'd pursued more education earlier in my life.  But then I consider my years as a mother and its simply no contest.  'Mom' is my favorite title.  My kids are such a source of joy and character building and amazement and learning!  I postponed a piece of paper and traded it in for one of the greatest gifts of my life--parenting my kids.  Not to mention that apparently I didn't need more formal education to accomplish all that God had for me to this point.  

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But now its time.  This week I started my first class in my Masters program--Introduction to Spiritual Formation.  I'm enrolled in a Masters in Spiritual Formation and Leadership at Spring Arbor University and am completing an online degree. Only 19 years after I originally intended to begin.  

In his book, The Wonder of Girls, Michael Gurian suggests that one of the most important lessons we need to teach our daughters is the reality of choices.  With the great strides made in opportunities for women, many of our girls are overwhelmed by their choices.  And, they are mistakenly told that they can 'have it all'.  They can have a successful career, a thriving marriage, be the perfect mom, a marathon runner and a wine connoisseur.   All of those things might be possible, but not at the same time! Our girls need to know (and have modeled) how to make choices about what they want to excel in at different seasons of their life.  Identifying their values, then learning to prioritize accordingly.  

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I've found this to be true in my own life and I hope Madison is watching.  I may not be able to have it all.  But I have all I need and more than I deserve!  It was definitely worth the wait.