In December I like to spend time reflecting--looking back at God's transforming work in my life. With that in mind, I'll be sharing some blog posts from the past. I posted this one on December 2, 2010, days away from my first fundraising dessert.
I woke this morning to a pounding headache. I experience a variety of headaches, but this is the kind that requires Tylenol, but not on an empty stomach. Unfortunately, I'm already too nauseous to eat, so I'll probably throw up from eating if I don't throw up from taking medicine on an empty stomach. But strangely, I don't mind. Yesterday I was thinking a minor car accident where I was hospitalized for just a couple of days would be a welcome break. A headache seems to accomplish almost the same thing without the risk of life long back pain or soaring medical bills. So, back to bed. Truly it's my only option, but I'm so grateful. After a couple hours of sleep, I awake at 11 with only a slight "headache hangover". Here is where my series of poor decisions begins. What I know I should do is take a quick shower and get started on my workday. What I do is drag myself to the living room (what feels like a small victory) and open a book I've been reading. I manage to check email on my phone to make sure there are no fires to put out. I even respond to one. When the phone rings, I answer it and act like the intelligent, capable woman I'm pretending to be. Actually, I am an intelligent, capable woman but today I'm pretending to be helpless and weak. And very convincingly, thank you very much!
I'm 2 1/2 days from my dessert--the magical date on the calendar, that 47 days ago I hoped would usher in a new era of faith and awe in me. I'm such a sucker for the dramatic. I love when the music swells and the battle has been fought and won and there's crying and joy. I love the Hallelujah Chorus and my picture of the Queen and her irrepressible urge to stand in the presence of greatness and beauty.
But today, I'm more realistic. A couple of my larger donors have said, 'no'. My coach wanted me to have 100 people at the dessert and I'll have around 35. I'm probably not going to raise the remaining $42,000 and strangely, I'm okay with that. I'm too tired to care today.
And now, I'm making myself sick with all this whining. So pathetic. World hunger, AIDS, sex trafficking and...my potentially unsuccessful fundraiser. Wahhh. Good thing I'm so mentally tough! "And you want to be my latex salesman?" Sorry. Seinfeld reference.
So, after a good 4 hours of self pitying lack of productivity, I'm ready to get started. Not because I expect the Hallelujah Chorus, but because there is glory in the walking and working. Faith and obedience are linked and I'm wishing for one without the other. O Lord, increase my obedience!
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
Kelli is a writer, speaker and consultant equipping leaders for a deepening intimacy with Christ, greater impact in ministry and more effective intentionality in all of life.
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